In instances where an individual is attracted to me, and I do not reciprocate, there is a feeling of alarm. I believe this to be the case due to a confluence of two factors.
Firstly, the attracted person wills that they and I should be socially closer. Secondly, my will is not in compliance with this desire.
Therefore, a conflict is inevitable if one applies their will. And while it is unlikely an attracted person would persist if I should resist, the will remains, and my resistance is not so reliable as to make it something I would wish to rely on.
Indeed there have been many months where I have avoided resistance for the sake of the feelings of others.
But that is not a matter which need be explored now. Rather I am interrogating the prior thought. For, this is the true source of my discomfort. Resistance or no, in that matter it will always be myself to blame, but the will of another I hold no power over.
Even moments where I have attempted to guise myself in an appearance so unattractive as to break the spell, I had yet failed.
There is nothing which I can do, and in my mind, there is a subtle and smaller will within my counterpart. One which remains even when the first is mastered by the attracted person. A persistent one, one will which wants to destroy mine, and in the destruction of my will, will kill me.
This is my anxiety.
. . .
Of course, I should say, not every instance of attraction is received in such a manner. In large part in fact, it is only those who fall in love quickly which I fear.
There have been instances where people with whom I am already close friends have been attracted to me, and in these cases there is not so much fear. Perhaps because the distance which they want to cross is not so far, and therefore the friction of wills is not so strong as to produce any pain or anxiety.